Foreboding Joy

The other day Kirk and I were cuddling our sweet puppy Scout, gushing about how much we love her,  how pretty she is, how good she is, basically ruining her for any success in life with our spoiling. I love that dog, and that guy.

However, no sooner did I say I love her, and gush about how wonderful she is, than I followed it with "ugh, and someday, you're going to die".

Charming. 

I do this all the time. I take a perfectly sweet, rich, good moment, bask in it for all of 10 seconds, and then it's as if the happiness of that moment triggers a fear in me. Fear of loss, fear of pain, fear of disappointment, fear of change.......the list goes on, believe me. In this case it was the fear of the pain I will one day undoubtedly experience when Scout dies. Sad to be sure, but why do I let future reality rob present joy? 

Brene Brown gave me a helpful term the other day for this cycle when I read her description of what she calls foreboding joy. Basically, for some of us, the joy we experience leaves us feeling exposed and vulnerable to the hurt that might occur if the reason for joy were to be taken away. (Loss, failure, disappointment, change....) So we try to beat the pain to the punch. 

For me it's about control. I want to let pain know that I see it coming, and that I'm ready for it. But I've deceived myself. I'm still going to experience pain, and I now don't experience the joy of freedom for which I've been created. I'm allowing myself to be ruled by the fear.

Brown suggests that from what she's gathered, the antidote for foreboding joy is gratitude. I like that. What would my day to day be like if I were to retrain myself to stop and acknowledge joy, and thank my Creator for the gift He's given and rest in them? In the moment I was tempted to brace myself for the pain of losing the dog, what if I'd just stopped and said how grateful I was for the joy of my little family? What if I'd just rested in that? I want to be a person who experiences joy because of gratitude.

And better yet, what if I start training myself to find gratitude and joy, even in trial? To be thankful for the opportunity to grow in the midst of pain, because it will happen. No matter how much control I try to exercise, I will experience pain, and I can be grateful for that. 

I'm reminded of these truths from the first book of James.

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4

Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. James 1:16-17

God gives the good gifts that bring joy. I can trust His love and care and will. I need to chill out. 

Anyways, all of that to say, I love that dog.

-Ashley